In all the hustle and bustle of life, why do we question ourselves? Why do we try? Why do we give our best and still second-guess our decisions? Do I know the answer? well, obviously not but why not just let my words flow and see where this takes us... and you are here, so I am assuming you related to at least an inch of my questions, so hang in there and read on.
"Be Creative" - I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have heard this phrase over the 21 years of my life. Be creative - as if this is a thing I am supposed to do, such as sitting straight; as if this is not an entirely subjective state of one's conscience; as if my brain will just create something that will be validated and universally accepted. But what happens, when this process is actually, a lot of hours of actually questioning and trying to pinpoint what exactly it is that makes me creative? What happens when you see other people around you actually do things you want to do but still don't want to compete with them? what happens when you want to be appreciative and accepting yet you cannot stop but compare yourself but still not compare because you know you are different? WHAT HAPPENS THEN?
Yes, I am blabbering at this point and my writing is really self-reflective I have realised and it feels extremely odd that I am ready to send out this vulnerability out into the world, for you to read.
... it feels extremely odd that I am ready to send out this vulnerability out into the world, for you to read.
You stay up at night thinking of all the positives around you and how much you have achieved till now and how grateful you are and yet that tiny voice at the back of your head screams at you - could you have done more? is there a better version of this?
I definitely do not have the answer, but it is in hope of one reveal, a true calling, you keep going and trying to do things that you think are right - such as me writing this on a Saturday night at 11:15 am after just having a day that questioned my everything and opened new routes I didn't know existed. I am writing because this is something I can do, it's a comfort sport, it is me and my thoughts and you, my unknown reader.
I know so many of you who are in this similar situation and it fills me with comfort when I read posts or watch those aesthetic Instagram reels about taking it slow and trusting the process, because you know, as cringy as it sounds, we do crave the reassurance. By now I guess, you have figured that there is actually no point in this post and it adds nothing much to your day yet I think it does in some part. it does add something to mine - it tells me the fact that whatever I do is for myself and that is where my creativity lies - my work is very personal and I take things very close to my heart and it hurts when things don't turn out the day I thought it would. it has taken me a while as well to be okay with putting myself out in the world because the younger- me is terrified of the world knowing me and my thoughts. Thus, in a way, this act of writing a pointless post is selfish, yes, self-indulgent, yes but not self-centred.
I think the only explanation I have for my question 'am I doing enough?' is that I will never know unless I try and do something and not do something so in the end, being creative is probably just trying, just going on and figuring out what actually works in the life.
... being creative is probably just trying, just going on and figuring out ...
I have watched characters on the screen and in the pages of a book, who are figures of the struggling artist, an artist whose work isn't recognised, an artist who is driven insane by the sheer magnitude of their creativity; an artist whose work isn't understood but there is the artist, who is scared? Where is that one person who knows that they want to be involved in this world where stories matter and the worlds where small details matter but they struggle to fit into a category that the world has set? Does creativity come in categories? Where is that character who actually doesn't have an abundance to give away? Where is the person, the character, the figure who is struggling to add names of experiences to their CV?
Well, I guess we don't have them around us, rather we have them amongst us. Hope we all keep trying till we find what we are looking for... we try because we care, right?
Thank you for reading,
K